It is an odd thing, to think you might have peaked in your life to contemplate however briefly, that the very best, most productive years might be behind you. Odder still, is the acknowledgement that you simply do not operate from the same appetites that once propelled you. It feels strange to discover that just as physical passion has observably waned, so too has desire to prove something about yourself to the world, to succeed on worldly terms of success, heretofore driven by that dirty little ‘I’ word, insecurity.
At your best moments you know all the force of youth has been replaced by a different kind of energy altogether – filled with an integrity that is utterly reliable and solid. At the worst moments it is easy to feel lost, disoriented, and sad. Sometimes there is sadness when witnessing the early ferocious vigor seemingly gone, evaporated from a day to day existence. Other times there is moroseness because you recognize at least in part, the futility and waste of the previous ambitions however modest they may have been.
Then, you awaken and remember not only that the early years – the terror of them with all the stress and uncertainty – has been a kind of perverse pleasure as if dreaming. Though you still drag some earthly ego-driven remnants trailing behind, there is something about this new place you see out from that is more comforting, honest, and peaceful.
For now you can see an outline of a soul coming into focus. It is filling itself in each day to a greater degree and you are certain that what you operate from does not rely on that earlier catalyst of inadequacy. Rather, that soul – your soul – regards an inexplicable celestial power as its source and orientation, fueling you forward as if in flight, having nothing to do with proving anything in earthly terms. Instead, it is the pure pleasure of the desire itself; to communicate, to connect, to participate in activity and succeed according to new definition. Quite simply, each undertaking, be it professional or personal, becomes a peak unto itself allowing you to rest on its own buoyancy. And you find yourself at an origin of serenity, peaceful to be sure, peaking over and over again.